There I said it, happy now? I value my own plans, my own future above anything else apart from my immediate family.
I had a chat with a friend the other day and she asked me why i've had no gf ever. It kind of irritated me (she asked me this on V-day). I told her blankly i cannot commit myself at the moment. She asked why. I said relationships are all about give and take. You go into one with 100% commitment if you want it to work and that's something i cannot give when i'm only 22 and have yet to settle down and fulfill whatever it is i have planned for myself.
And then she said : "You are selfish aren't you?"
I cannot multitask. I have tried and failed. I am sure i will not be able to work on my own plans and make time for someone and factor her into my plans. Its not possible. I want to pursue a postgrad course, I want to travel and work, i do not want to be burdened with planning a future that includes someone else.
I have been severely tempted to commit myself, to admit to someone(s) over the years, only to hold back when i start thinking of the complications to my immediate future. That's selfish, but i am not going to apologise for it. For if i'm not willing to do what's necessary for myself, who else is going to?
Of course, this will change if i meet a like minded person, whoever she might be who'll drop by and rock my world with her similar mindset. Till then, this person is going to keep at what he's been doing for the past 10 years, work at trying to be SOMEBODY.
Cheers from the,
Matrix
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